Things We Rednecks Come Up With

Courtroom Humor

 

 Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The Colbert Report - Naming The Asiana Pilots

Eldora NASCAR Goin Back To Its Roots

Eldora: Where dreams come true

Updated: July 25, 2013, 1:42 PM ET

By David Newton | ESPN.com

 

Austin Dillon wins in NASCAR's return to dirt-track racing.Tags: NASCAR, Austin Dillon

ROSSBURG, Ohio -- It's easy to see why this half-mile oasis of dirt seemingly lost in the cornfields of western Ohio is one of Tony Stewart's favorite places on the planet.
It is about as far from the pressures and commercialism of the Sprint Cup Series as one can get, a place where a three-time champion can have a late-night beer without photographers snapping his picture, a place where he can escape and enjoy the pure passion of the sport he loves.
There is so much mystique surrounding Eldora Speedway that you keep waiting for Shoeless Joe Jackson to emerge from the cornfields.
It is racing's Field of Dreams.
And this was a dream night for Stewart, race winner Austin Dillon, the sellout crowd and NASCAR, which went outside its comfort zone to stage a major race on dirt for the first time in more than 40 years.

 

 

Chris Graythen/NASCAR via Getty ImagesThe Camping World Truck Series race at Eldora Speedway was a
win-win for Austin Dillon and track owner Tony Stewart.

 Chris Graythen/NASCAR/Getty ImagesWho needs bricks? Mudsummer Classic winner Austin Dillon puckers up following NASCAR's triumphant return to dirt Wednesday night.




If the Camping World Truck Series and its Mudsummer Classic don't come back next year and the year after that and the year after that and so on, it will be a mistake.
A huge one.
"If that didn't do it," Stewart said late Wednesday night, his face flush with emotion, "... that's about as good as you could ask for."
With all the unknowns, all the mystery of putting trucks built for pavement on dirt, the event went off flawless -- more flawless than Stewart or anyone could imagine.
OK, so the golden shovel given to the winner needs to be replaced by a golden pick ax. The dirt and clay were packed so hard that the shovel barely dinted the surface as Dillon and his team collected souvenirs, including one that likely will find its way into the NASCAR Hall of Fame in Charlotte.
But beyond that, everything was perfect, down to three drivers fighting for the win and a green-white-checkered finish.
"If you didn't enjoy that kind of racing, you don't know what real racing is," Stewart deadpanned.
Stewart never has appeared more proud as he talked about the past couple of days. It was like listening to a father after seeing his baby for the first time.
You finally appreciate what he has since first laying eyes on the track as a kid, since he purchased the 59-year-old facility from founder Earl Baltes in 2004. You finally understand why he has spent much of the past nine years pestering NASCAR to put a race here.
"No matter how big all of this gets, no matter how big NASCAR and all we do in racing gets, tonight was a perfect example of why we all do this and what the passion of racing is all about and still is," Stewart said.
Passion was everywhere, including the more than 20,000 fans who packed into the bleachers and trackside hill.
"Tony, thank you!" shouted one fan as Stewart stood on the frontstretch while Dillon struggled to break the ground.
"Thank you, Smoke!" shouted another.
The best way to thank Stewart is to make this a regular stop in the series.

Teabagging Security Alert

If full-body scanners and TSA pat-downs make you feel uncomfortable, you now have an alternate option – making the agency like you and paying a fee of $85.
The Transportation Security Administration has launched an expansion to their program that allows members to bypass regular airport pre-flight security checkpoints. Those enrolled in the ‘trusted traveler’ program, called TSA PreCheck, don’t have to remove their shoes, jackets and belts during screening. Members can also keep their laptop computers and approved liquids in their bags.
Currently, only members of several frequent-flier programs are given the opportunity to apply without paying a fee, the TSA says. But TSA Administrator John Pistole on Friday announced that all travelers will soon be able to join PreCheck – as long as they pay $85 for a five-year membership, provide identifying information, pass a background check, and undergo fingerprinting.
Pistole said that enrollment will be opened to the public later this year and he expects an additional 3 million people to sign up for PreCheck before the end of the year. About 12 million travelers are currently enrolled.
If his estimates are accurate, the TSA will reap about $255 million from the program in 2013.
Applicants must visit an enrollment site to undergo identification verification and fingerprinting. PreCheck enrollment will be launched at Washington Dulles International and Indianapolis International airports later this year.
“America’s travel community applauds TSA for making its highly-successful trusted traveler program, PreCheck, more accessible to the traveling public,” US Travel Association President and CEO Roger Dow said in a statement. “By expanding PreCheck enrollment options, today’s action by TSA will help speed more Americans safely through the US air travel system while strengthening America’s aviation security. It’s a win-win for everyone.”
PreCheck passengers receive a Known Traveler Number that allows them to use special security lanes at more than 40 participating airports in the US.
Travelers have long complained that TSA agents take the security screenings too far, in some cases groping passengers. Carol Price, a 59-year-old woman who was trying to board a flight to Ohio last summer complained that a TSA agent subjected her to a pat-down in which he groped her genital region and breasts.
Those in the PreCheck program will probably have an easier time at security checkpoints.
But there’s a catch: PreCheck does not guarantee expedited screening, and all travelers are still subject to “random and unpredictable” security measures, the agency said in a statement. 
For the cost of $85, travelers can enter expedited security lines, but still be subjected to pat-downs and searches if they appear suspicious.

After stealing your RIGHTS, they attempt to SELL them back to you as PRIVILEGEs for $85 bucks a pop.

"Walking Eagle"

 President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor
of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "Red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle".
The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

 

 

 

 

Buckeye Firearms Foundation Raises Thousands to Buy Zimmerman New Gun

Submitted by drieck on Tue, 07/23/2013 - 12:29.
Donors from 48 states and 4 other countries chip in to help.

When the U.S. Department of Justice ordered the Sanford, Florida police department to keep possession George Zimmerman's personal property after he was found not guilty, including his firearm, Buckeye Firearms Foundation started a fund to replace the gun.
"We consider this an outrageous abuse of power to score political points at the expense of an American citizen," said Jim Irvine, President of Buckeye Firearms Foundation.
"Mr. Zimmerman was tried in a court of law and found not guilty. And now all evidence should be returned to the rightful owner, including his firearm."
The Foundation announced the Zimmerman Second Amendment Fund on Friday, July 19, 2013, expecting to bring in one or two thousand dollars.
"We didn't need that much," said Irvine, "just enough to buy a quality firearm, holster, flashlight, ammo, and any accessories Mr. Zimmerman may need. But the story went national and we raised far more than we expected."
Buckeye Firearms Foundation closed the fund to donations on Tuesday morning, July 23, 2013, with a total of $12,657.48 (after Paypal transaction fees, net $12,150.37).

Dean Rieck, Communications Director for the organization, said he was overwhelmed with the outpouring of support. "We received 774 donations from 48 states, plus Australia, Lithuania, New South Wales, and Switzerland. Donations ranged from $1 to $100, with the average being $16.35.
"For privacy and security reasons," continued Rieck, "we've decided to send Mr. Zimmerman a check rather than try to arrange a meeting or transfer gear directly. We spoke with his attorney, Mark O'Mara, who agreed to provide evidence that Mr. Zimmerman receives the check.
"We also agreed to provide evidence that we were passing along 100% of the donations received. O'Mara was thrilled that we were being so transparent. He told us 'lots of cranks' are raising money in Zimmerman's name and not sending the funds to him."

Here is the letter to accompany the check:

"Artists" Boycott Florida

Justin Timberlake, Jay-Z, Madonna, Kanye West, Others Join Stevie Wonder's Florida Boycott (Report)

Justin Timberlake, Jay-Z, Madonna, Kanye West, Others Join Stevie Wonder's Florida Boycott (Report)

Madonna, Usher, Pattie Labelle, Kanye West, Jay Z, the Rolling Stones, Justin Timberlake, R. Kelly, Rihanna, Alicia Keys, Will I AM, Erykah Badu and Rod Stewart are among 20 musical acts said to be joining Stevie Wonder's boycott of the state of Florida

April Ryan of AprilDRyan.com reported the list of artists supporting a change to the Stand Stand Your Ground Law, in the wake of the George Zimmerman verdict. Ryan cited individuals close to Wonder's camp.

Some of the artists listed have already canceled concerts in the Sunshine State after recent events. 

See video: Stevie Wonder Won't Perform in Florida Until 'Stand Your Ground Law Is Abolished'.

"I decided today that until the Stand Your Ground law is abolished in Florida, I will never perform there again," Wonder announced at a concert earlier this month. "As a matter of fact, wherever I find that law exists, I will not perform in that state or in that part of the world."

Roughly 30 states have some version of the controversial law.

Source:

Commence laughing because the jokes on them! Don't see this lasting long. Don't affect me at all because I don't listen to any of their garbage. I must say tho Timberlake wasn't bad in the 3 movies I saw that he was in.

Explains Alot

Redneck Warning Sign